When a hurricane devastates a small country, everyone sends bottled water, blankets and other essentials. But when the hurricane moves on somewhere else, that's where all the stuff goes whether the small country has recovered or not.
That's sort of how I'm feeling.
My breast cancer was big news when it was first diagnosed. But now, people have other things on their minds.
Don't get me wrong. I don't in any way feel that the world revolves around me, and that I should be the utmost though in everyone's mind.
It just that after the diagnosis, everyone is shocked. And some are sad. And some feel sorry for me and what they know I'll have to go through.
But then, other things happen. And most people move on. But I can't. I'm still stuck in this quagmire of treatments and radiation burns and exhaustion and sadness and grief and everything else that's been going on.
I have to say that I have so much support from those closest to me.
It's funny because I found out that my mama and brother talk about it all the time. The problem was that they weren't talking to ME about it. They were afraid it would upset me. But actually, I was feeling just the opposite. I WANTED them to talk to me about it. I wanted to share the details of what I'm going through physically and mentally.
So it finally occurred to me to tell them exactly that. And since then, it's been so much better. They feel more involved, and I'm getting more of what I need from them.
I also have friends who are in constant contact. They know where I am in the process, but I don't feel like I've shared enough with them about where I am mentally and emotionally. It's hard to share that stuff in text messages and quick phone calls.
I got to spend some in-person time with a couple of my closest friends recently, and I really cherished that time.
One of those ladies lives several states away, so she rented a lady's basement apartment here in town for a long weekend, and we sat in comfy chairs on a patio around this firepit. The weather was cool, the leaves were rustling, and it was a good place to share some feelings. I wish we could do it more often.
The biggest problem I've had is trying to put into words what I'm feeling.
I actually found a blog that another breast cancer patient wrote during her radiation treatments. So much of what she wrote rings true to me. I told my friends I wish I could just copy and paste her thoughts into this blog.
I guess my biggest fear is that this feeling of being all alone in this won't go away. And COVID certainly hasn't helped anything. I would ask different people to go with me to my treatments and appointments if I could. But most everything is still shut down. Only the patient can go in.
It's awful to say this, but I'm almost jealous of the people who have to have helpers. It's mostly the older folks who aren't as mobile as they used to be. They need to be pushed in a wheelchair or just need someone to help steady them as they walk. But it must be nice to have that person there.
Part of me thinks that I'll be glad when this is all over, but another part of me wonders what it will be like then. How will I feel?
I guess we'll soon find out. I have 6 treatments to go.
No comments:
Post a Comment