Alone

I used to write a blog about my son. Not long after he was born, I realized that I was telling the same story over and over again to family and friends all over the place. So I thought that if I just put a lot of it down in writing, people could read it at their leisure, plus see photos and videos of him.

I was really good at writing that blog.

I haven't been as good at writing this one.

First of all, I am SO tired. All the time.

Every part of me feels heavy. It takes effort to get out of a chair.

Plus, there's just so much of this that is internal. Even if I share how my treatments are going, I still can't really share the experience with anybody.

I have to go alone.

I drop my car off with the valets and walk into the Cancer Center alone.

I get checked in and go downstairs to the waiting room alone.

I step into the dressing room and get my hospital gown on alone.

And I sit on the bench and wait for them to call my name, yep, you guessed it ... alone.

But the worst part is leaving alone.

For some reason, I get really sad after my treatments. It lasts for about an hour or so, and I'm not sure why it happens. I try to find distractions, stopping by the get a milkshake, meeting a friend, calling someone. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

Have I mentioned that I'll be glad when this part is over?